Friday, 31 October 2008

Halloween – the perfect night for the pub

Don’t get me wrong - I’ve nothing against children. No, really! I mean, I wouldn't actually harm them, anyway. Not even the Celtic Bratz that knocked on the front door last year, and greeted my generous offering of assorted sweeties – bought expressly for the occasion – with a belligerent “is that all you’ve got?”. I needn’t tell you, I only curbed my instinct to snatch back said offerings – while delivering a kick up the gits' podgy little arses – due to mummy’s threatening, po-faced, arms-folded, presence at the garden gate.

Mind you, kids are a blank canvas, aren’t they? If they’re ungrateful, spoilt little bastards – similar to that Viz character in the sailor hat – you can only blame it on their parents. After all, if their folks are stupid enough to believe their genes are worthy of perpetuation, they’ll be stupid enough to bring up their kids with all their own attendant character flaws.

Gombeen Man often ponders the near-extinction of the good, old-fashioned, decent Dubliner – and the displacement of that archetype by the modern Dublin skanger. Gombeen Man’s folks were Dubliners, of course, as were theirs and theirs (as far as he can go back, actually), and they were thoroughly decent people – shitty and all as their lives were. There are a few of that mould still around, but Christ, they are few and far between.

So what better time of the year to celebrate the ascendancy of the Dublin skanger than Halloween? It’s a time of lard-arsed little shits banging on your door, demanding sweets/money/a-standing-order-to-their-bank-accounts with menaces. It’s a time when no cat that values its arse can wander out, for fear of a tracksuit-clad scumbag sticking a banger up said orifice. It’s a time when the whole of the Dublin 15 skyline resembles the Baghdad heavens at the height of its forced “liberation”.

And do you know what else? It’s a time to get the hell out of the house and down to the pub, leaving those vile little bastards to knock on your front door – preferably in sub zero temperatures - in vain. Just in case though, take your car out of the driveway so they can’t slash its tyres. Oh, and keep your cat indoors.

Happy Halloween!


Lew said...

The problem comes I'm afraid from America
Trick or treat is fine in a country where people are so dumb, seemingly have no brains or the power to think for themselves.
Trick or Treating in both Ireland and England should actually be against the law these days as it causes nothing but trouble.

I remember my youthful Haloweens in Longford, it was a time of fun, quite a few parties, a little bit of mischief such as the odd gate being taken off the hinges, fireworks lite in the street blocking a road and generally give the gards a bit of work to do for once
some of the worse things i had done to me back in those days was the odd throwing of a stink bomb at my car as I drove past
but none of that comes close to being terrorised by hooligans who think they can get away with it "because they are children".
demanding money with menaces is agianst the law and it should be applied to trick or treaters.
Parents teach your children the good old fashions like morals and respect and the main one, knowing how to behave in public.

Bernd said...

Well spoken, Gombeen Man - I always wonder why everyone is warned to keep pets safe because of the fireworks when fireworks are actually illegal in this country. Lock away your pets, but don't bother those cute little bastards barely managing not to blow their own fingers off.

The whole Halloween shebang is nothing but an imported US thing anyway. But then so are the glitzy Paddy's Parades.

Anonymous said...

You are well named, - Gombeen

What if a little negro baby had called at the door, demanding umbongo fruit or that you circumcise his little sister ?

You love negroes too much.

You ought to fuck off to some malayrial negro shit hole , while you can still walk.

This fella at the bus stop said that nigger-lovers like you would come to a sticky end.
Remember the referendum, he said.

Don't shoot the messenger ! , i love colored people

The Gombeen Man said...

You've some imagination Anonymous! Funnily enough that didn't happen on Halloween. What happened, is that indigenous toerags caused havoc (not, you'll notice, immigrants - who generally come here to do honest work).

In the absence of a name for you, perhaps we should endow you with the moniker of Banjo Boy? I suggest this on account of the curiously quaint Deep South terminology you employ.

Maybe you should consider "fucking off" somewhere yourself? Perhaps a spell living abroad might serve as an education for you?

Who knows. You might even find yourself on the receiving end of the crude racial stereotyping you seem so fond of.

Maybe, BB, travel might broaden your mind a bit?