Avoid penalty points - back to basics.

It’s difficult to imagine the kind of mind that is content to sit for hours, hiding in the back of a van, pointing a laser camera at people who are driving at an appropriate speed on a road with an inappropriate speed limit. But maybe that’s why I’m not a copper. Too much self-respect, you see.

I mean, if they want to slow people down, should they not be out in their yellow jackets, looking silly, providing an obvious deterrent? Why do they have to be so sneaky? Have they no shame?

The stated aim of speed cameras is to “save lives”. Yet, I have lost count of the times I have seen “covert” cameras on motorways, or stretches of good road with 60 Km/h speed limits.

I imagine it would be very easy for those of a cynical persuasion to draw the conclusion that it is all about quotas and collecting revenue, rather than saving lives. And all to finance our Government of imbeciles who, during the boom, exercised the fiscal restraint of Viv Nicholson, the famous North of England football pools jackpot winner of the 1960s. In case you don’t know: she blew all the cash in double-quick time.

“Speed kills”, they keep telling us (actually it’s stopping suddenly that does it: the 0.001-second, 60-to-nought time being the decisive factor). But, as has been mentioned on this blog before, how come the Germans are not dying like flies, given that getting on for 70% of their motorway network has no mandatory speed limit? Could it be that an awful lot of Irish people simply don't know how to drive?

If speed alone kills, as they would have us believe, maybe we should go back to a more indigenous means of propulsion that does not go fast enough to present such a danger? Let’s be true patriots, and re-enact the kind of rural idyll envisaged by Pearse, DeValera and our other crackpot founding fathers, and spurn those nasty foreign automotive imports. How about we revert to donkeys and carts?

It would keep the Greens and the new-age crusties happy, with the added bonus that all the donkey poo could be used as organic fertilizer (any leftovers could be put into an envelope and sent to those they suspect of carbon crimes). To boost the tourism industry, everyone could have their hair dyed red (those who need to), and have big orange freckles painted on their ruddy faces. The whole country could be transformed into a living, breathing John Hinde postcard for our victims – sorry, visitors. We could sell them pints of mouldy Guinness at €10 a pop, with a bit of Irish dancing, a few made-up words of Gaelic such as "craic", and other assorted paddywhackery thrown in. OK, it might be awfully dishonest and contrived, but what kind of half-wit comes here for their holidays anyway?

But all that is just a spin-off. The real advantage is that Irish people would not have to bother learning how to use indicators, as donkeys don’t come equipped with them. They wouldn’t have to pass a driving test to take to the road – nothing new there, but at least this time it would be entirely legal. Yummy-mummies would look ridiculous on the school run, no matter what their brand of head-borne sunglasses. Single-donkey accidents would not have the same incidence of fatalities as the motorised variety, so everyone could drive home pissed from the pub again – just like the good old days. The more I think about it, the better it sounds.

Let's face it – it’s quite obvious that most Irish people never got the hang of them motorcars anyway. The only ones that might be disappointed would be our friends in the Transits with the blacked-out windows, and the Exchequer.

Back to Gombeen Nation main page

P.S. Watch out for the Gatso on the R157, Dunboyne-Maynooth road, outside Carton House.