The Silicon Valley of Europe? Right so.

According to a recent statment by Eamon Ryan, Minister for Communications and Energy, Ireland could become the Silicon Valley of Europe and be at the forefront of the “green technology”.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and fancy that I am living on the set of a Father Ted episode, and plainly ludicrous statements from those in authority - like Minister Ryan's - do little to dispel that Craggy Island feeling. But there's nothing new there. I remember reading, some years ago, a compilation of Myles na gCopaleen's satirical pieces which appeared in the Irish Times from 1940 until the writer's death in 1966. The same writer, incidentally, was also known as Flann O'Brien, and his "Third Policeman" has recently enjoyed renewed interest through an episode of "Lost", a programme I've never seen - so I've no idea of the context.

Anyway. One of O'Brien's columns touched on the subject of a contemporary crisis of some sort in the agriculture industry, and a shortage of animal feed or something similar - I don't profess to be an expert. It seems that the minister, whose name I forget, had the bright idea of feeding cows - or was it pigs? - on the foam from pints of Guinness. I kid you not!

O'Brien, of course, pointed out that whatever the dubious claims of Guinness about the supposed "healthy" benefits of their product in the past, it was a fact that the foam - or the head - of the black stuff has no nutritional value whatsoever. Then, more recently, we had a minister, Ned O'Keefe, calling for banning of the film "Babe", on the grounds that it might pose a threat to the Irish pork industry (an industry in which the minister is involved). But that was a just a joke, right? Right?

So idiotic statements are nothing new, but the idea that Ireland - a country that lags behind most of Europe on broadband takeup - could become the Silicon Valley of Europe is something that even Father Dougal might have thought too ridiculous for words. According to an EU report last year, DSL coverage is still unavailable in 30% of rural areas. Broadband takeup is 17%, while in the UK it is 26%, and in the Nordic countries it is over 30%.

Just to illustrate this point, a young and eager representative of Smart Telecom knocked on the door of Gombeen Manor last week to sell that company's broadband product. As some of you might know, I have been singularly unimpressed with Perlico, and have been looking for alternatives, so rather than set the rabid dogs on the intruder I listened attentively and agreed to a follow-up call to make the switch.

A few days later, someone called from Smart called me on my mobile, asked for my land-line number, and promptly told me that Smart broadband was "unavaliable" in my area, due to "porting" problems. So they had some poor sod traipsing around Blanchardstown, trying to win customers for a product in an area in which the product is unavailable. An area, I might add, that is one of the most populous in the country!

The Silcon Valley of Europe? Right so.

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